Ready to go

Today is just a sad and lonely day. I just want to get away from here...this place has been nothing but hell on myself, my kids, my friendships, my marriage, and my family...I just want our time here to end and to go home for a nice long time and then head to a NEW place where we can start fresh.

Things accomplished

I am so glad that I went back to school and got my AA and now doing my BS. I am confident that I am going to get where I want to be. I am ready to start getting a paycheck again and be more independent again like I used to be. I am proud of myself, even if no one else is...I have done damn good. I am excited for this new chapter in our lives to begin because I know it holds great things and I am excited to see what that is. I pray that things go back to normal once we leave here and I think they will, but its just going to take time. I just want to have time to stop and smell the roses again and take five minutes for myself every day. I just have to keep reminding myself that we will get there. And that I CAN do this...

Where is my life headed?

What do I need to do? Read my horoscope? Go to a fortune teller? I just want to know where I am headed and if something better is waiting for me when I get there. I am burnt out with everything going on now and I am mentally exhausted. Whats it like to have emotional support? Someone that cares enough to still sweep you off your feet? I wouldn't know any more. I hope this all goes back to normal when we get out of here.

Tired

I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. Thank god my mom is coming next weekend even if only for a couple days because I need my mom. Its been a LONG time since I have said that but at this point, I'm not even embarrassed to say it. This duty has put my body, mind, marriage and parenting skills to the test. I think I have lost just about every ounce of respect I had for any Marine serving out here. Screw this duty, screw this command. I just want one day off...one day thats it...I just want to go home on a nice long leave instead of not being able to leave the 150 mile radius...and god forbid someone falls deathly ill at home because they'll give you as few days off as they can and then tell you you are a piece of shit for taking that time to tend to a very ill immediate family member. I'm fed up. Doesn't exactly make it easier when your husband insists on deploying the second we leave here, so now we get 6-12 months MORE of not seeing him. I just want to scream and there is no where to do that.

Working

So I have decided that once we get back to the fleet I have to work. It isn't so much for the extra money (which will be nice) but just something for my own good. I got my first real job at 16, I was a waitress with Mike's sister for about a week before we realized the the owner was really really shady. But with that experience I realized that I loved to work. After that I had a one day stint as a telemarketer again with Mike's sister and I hated that one day of work more than any day in my life..lol. After that my grandmother got me a job as a library assistant at her library. I was there for about a year and a half and loved it. It was quiet, peaceful and relaxing. In the middle of working at the library I also went to work for the single Marine and Sailor program on NAS Pensacola at the Liberty Center. So I was working 2 part time jobs plus going to school...again...I LOVED it. The sense of accomplishment, the pride in being a working individual and seeing my own money roll into the bank...it was awesome. After getting married I did work a little at Blockbuster, the Navy Exchange when Mike was on his unaccompanied tour and Semper Fit. After having Nick I just thought it would be best to stay home with him. Then coming out on recruiting duty with such irregular hours for Mike and then another baby, again I thought it was best.

But in the past year I have learned that being a stay at home mom isn't always the best option for everyone. I love my children dearly but I never get the chance to miss them or really appreciate them for the two bundles of joy they really are because I am tired, ready to go to the bathroom by myself, ready to be able to sit and eat a lunch all at once. I used to think that I was a bad mom for thinking like that. But then I realized I am not, its just the way I feel. I feel a horrible burden on my family for me not working in the financial sense. I went from making my own money, doing everything on my own to completely depending on Mike. That is just not who I am. My kids are going to love me even if I am a working mom.

Out here I really do not have a way to work due to Mike's schedule and me finishing school but once we hit the fleet...I'll be on the lookout for that perfect opportunity. Sometimes being the best mom you can be isn't about staying home and waiting on their every want and need...sometimes its putting yourself out there and doing what is best for you that will in turn trickle down and be whats best for my kids.

Anxiety and Fear

Anxiety...it sucks, there is no other way around it. To go to sleep and wake up every day with the feeling that something just isn't right. I am always scared that maybe something really isn't right. I never had any issues with anxiety (besides social anxiety) until last year when my heart just started pounding out of my chest for no reason. Today, i feel like I have come a long way....I no longer am at the doctor every week...mainly because I have lost faith in them...but I still struggle tremendously. I am not sure how to overcome it. I do not want to go on the medication for fear of it getting worse or having horrible side effects. I do not want to change me as a person, I really like me as a person but I am so tired of this anxiety having a hold over me. I went to a psychologist to hear what I already know...he did get my doctor to prescribe one medication that I did take and I had a horrible reaction. He diagnosed me with OCD which I already knew (I wish I had the cleaning/neat freak OCD...lol).

So what do I do? Do I sit and push through each day the best I can? Is there another alternative? I make myself do things even if I dont want to...even minor things like driving up to the bank and cashing a check. I dont know where all this anxiety suddenly came from. I dont know why I am constantly feeling faint and out of it. I'm fearful that things will not get better and I'll be stuck like this forever. Its not fair to myself, my kids, or my family. I just want to go back to living a normal life....being the girl that could drive cross country alone and have no problems with it. Where did that girl go?!? I need to find her. I do not want to fall apart and I do not want to let this beat me.

Inspirations

Its not often these days out here that I hear of anything inspiring, anything to make me hopeful...its usually all negative and crap honestly. But about 6-8 months ago a really nice kid came to my husband and told him he wanted to be a Marine...not being judgmental but realistic, my husband kind of shooed him off saying that there was nothing he could do for him because the kid was about 150 lbs overweight. My husband has had a lot of overweight people before come to join, he tells them they have to lose the weight and instead they just keep doing what they are doing and never come back. So needless to say my husband didn't really have a lot of faith in this guy either. So the kid told my husband, "yes sir, I'll get it done" and he asked if he could still come to the weekly PT sessions and all that and my husband said that was fine.

I met this guy about 3 months ago in the middle of his 'transformation' and he was the most polite, generous, sweet person I have met in a long time. At this point he had lost just about half the weight. And I'm not sure how many know this but now you also have to be able to do two pullups before you are allowed to even go contract. So the guy was down half the weight and at one pull-up. My husband and I were both pretty impressed and at that point my husband started believing in him.

Well let me tell you, today he is CONTRACTING as a MARINE!! He learned how to do 2 pull ups (minimum...he actually can do a lot more than that) and is down just about 150 lbs. All because he wants the title of MARINE! We are SO proud of this guy. Since he first came to the office, he has come to every PT session, every pool function, and we even got to meet his family at our home when they came for our pre-shipping yearly pizza party. The commitment on his face has been amazing and unwavering. I know he is definitely my inspiration and he has given my husband new hope and a renewed faith in the kids out here which I do not think he realizes how much that means to my husband. Mike is taking him and his family out to dinner tonight to 'celebrate' and get him a big steak dinner because if there is anyone in this world that deserves it, its him.

Huge Vent

Ok usually I really really really hate to talk about people especially negatively but if I don't get this out I don't know what will happen to me...haha! I have this..um..friend...and I use the term loosely because my husband hates them and I guess I just feel bad for them. The husband has been laid off since just about a year ago...which fine that sucks but he hasn't even had any job since then. He refuses apparently to work for a "low paying" job...but its okay to collect unemployment for a year and apply for less jobs than I have fingers on one hand. He tried to join the Army but gave up. And the wife has not even looked for a job either. I seriously like tell them every time I see a big ass sign that says "Now Hiring", but when I ask if they followed up...no. I did the guys resume because it was TERRIBLE. I looked up jobs for him, tell them when I see places hiring...nothing.

To top this off they have a child who obviously has some learning disabilities which is fine I am not discriminatory, but they let him get a way with way too much especially in my house. He reared back to punch me one day and seriously it took all the restraint in the world not to react. He is constantly hitting and pushing both of my children and if he falls and hurts himself he says that my older son did it which I have been right there watching some times and its definitely not my son even laying a hand on him. She hardly ever says anything to her son when he hits my kids but yet if my kids even so much as toss something in his direction I get a horrible attitude like 'what the hell'. He basically beats his mom all the time and she lets him. Everything is 'wait until your dad can deal with you'...I'll make dinner and they'll be here so I feel bad so I offer to feed him and give him a plate, he'll eat one bite and thats it..she'll beg him to eat and if he doesn't then 'daddy will get you later'...WTF...take care of it NOW...be the freaking parent. He runs their home and tries to run mine.

Mike wants me to cut all ties with them because he thinks they are users, good for nothing, just all around crappy people...but I have a horrible bleeding heart and feel bad..but on the other hand I feel like I have done all that I can. A few months ago a very close family member of the husband passed away so I fronted them the money for him to buy a plane ticket and they paid me back but then the wife and kid wanted to go on a trip for 'fun' and had the balls to ask me to front them the money again...what in the hell...seriously?!? Must be nice to live in a LUXURY apartment, collect unemployment, get free food and not have to do a damn thing....ugh I am so frustrated and I know my husband is right but I do not know how to sever the ties.

Praying for a good weekend

Well last weekend I wanted to go on a weekend excursion to Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge and have a celebratory weekend with my graduating and Nick starting his 'official' PreK class today and we thought that Mike would make mission last week. Well oh no, I should no better than to plan anything out here so of course mission wasn't made and here we sat..lol. But thats okay, we did get a lot of stuff done on Sunday so that is a plus. We went to the new dollar tree and spent $100...no joke...how does one do that at the dollar tree..lol! Well apparently this is like a really nice dollar tree because they had tons of name brand food that we regularly buy for $1 so we did over half our grocery shopping trip at the Dollar Tree! Nick has to wear a 'uniform' to school this year so we went to Target and bought him five plain collared shirts...that worked out pretty well. We played some scratch off tickets and won $25 so that was cool.

I'm going to try to enjoy this week a little since next week its back to the school grind however I got the syllabi for half my classes today and honestly it feels like its going to be a breeze. There is not like quizzes and homework...you basically write a few papers (which I am QUEEN of writing papers!) and there you go. I guess the only thing that would suck is if they didn't like your papers..lol. But I am going into it really confident.

I did my Operation PAL letters today and I hope that it can lift the Marines' spirits. I can't even imagine being in that position and my heart aches for them and their families. I wish there was something more that I could do but I take comfort in knowing that soon enough I will be in a great position to help.

Well right now I am praying Mike's contract goes through this week so we can take our delayed trip to the mountains and Dollywood!!

I'm all about making money!

You know I have spent the past 2 years figuring out how to make extra money from home. With Mike's job, its hard to have a job because I want my kids to have some since of normalcy, but that doesn't negate the fact that there has to be ways to make money from home. So about 2 years ago I started researching a lot on how to save money, how to make money...and man...it has worked. Right now I am heavily involved in testing food and personal products...I've tested everything from drinks to chips to soups to cereal to shampoos and conditioners for anywhere from $5 to $50 in cash. I do surveys. I do sweepstakes. I shop at the dollar tree for things like soap, body wash, shampoo and even little things that I can turn into awesome presents for people. I have won all kinds of things in the sweepstakes from hats to shirts to collectors items to gift certificates...even an IPod! I also work on "Amazon Mechanical Turk" and made $30 just last week for not that long of my time at all. I know it sounds silly to a lot of people but I get to stay home with my kids AND get to contribute to the household and I have fun doing it. Mike used to make fun of me so bad...until my Ipod showed up at the door...now he is always like...so...any checks lately? any new prizes? He doesn't complain when I hand him his $20 GC to McDonalds or $10 GC to the convience store so he can get snacks nor when I am testing out the family size box of Frosted Flakes I just got in the mail.

It makes me feel like I am doing SOMETHING to contribute and I get to stay home with my kids without them feeling like they have been abandoned since their dad is never here.

Persistence Pays Off

Today I earned my associates degree. I never thought I would be able to say that but I stuck with it and I am SO proud of myself. I haven't even called my family yet to tell them...I think because they won't even believe it until I send them a picture with diploma in hand. No one really believed in me...hell I don't even think my husband believed in me...luckily I believed in myself...and I did it. Thats just step one though. I have big plans for my life professionally and I can't wait for that to begin.

My goal is to be a counselor for Marines and their families. I want to guide families through a life with PTSD, I want to do deployment and reunion counseling. But most of all, I want to make a difference. You know a year ago a very high ranking Marine told my husband that he was making his problem up when my husband confided in him with an issue he had been having. Six months ago, my husband asked for help regarding things we were going through and the command told him they didn't know who could help him. I never ever ever want that to happen to another Marine and their familiy. I want to be an advocate for servicemembers/families.

There is so much I want to do and a huge difference that I want to make in the lives of those around me. And now I am finally one step closer to it! On August 24th I begin my journey to step two...my bachelors in psychology!

Motivation

I seriously need to find some motivation. I'm not sure what it is going to take though. My house is constantly a mess, which is hard with a 3 year old and a 1 year old to keep it clean. But I have to figure something out. I have absolutely no motivation right now for housework and haven't for a while. But today, I don't care what it takes I am going to scrub my house insanely clean...even carpet clean the floors. I call myself the worst housewife ever..lol. We also have to get rid of a ton of stuff. We got rid of a lot about a month ago but we still have A LOT to go. Decluttering our life feels so good! Maybe that is the motivation I need, just to get rid of all the mess and crap we don't need. And believe me, we have more than enough crap that we don't need.

So here I go, I am going to take a shower, hook up my Ipod, get the boys some breakfast and then let the cleaning day commence! Then after that I can feel good about sitting on my butt and studying for my FINALS tomorrow! But right now I know that I have seriously let this house go...bad..and I have to get it under control. I do not want this place to be a reflection of me because it looks terrible. I would not be proud for someone to walk through my front door right now. And I think if I can get this motivation going then maybe I can get motivation for other things going. Each day is a new day and I hope things can only get better from here!

Completed

I have my list of things I still want to do but I was just thinking about all the things I have done.

Been parasailing, lived overseas, took a bus through Tokyo twice, been to the summer olympic games, been to hollywood, been to the grand canyon, walked around in times square, ate maine lobster in maine, seen 'old faithful', been to a cattle show in oklahoma, been to disneyworld and disney land, been to the san diego zoo, been to sea world orlando and san diego, been in all of the monuments in washington dc, been to the smithsonean, saw the world trade center towers a year before 9/11, been to the top of the empire state building, the sears tower in chicago and the st. louis arch, i've spend a mardi gras in new orleans on bourbon street drinking hurricanes, i've watched the blue angels fly since I was a baby, been to yosemite national park, ive seen mt. rushmore, i've been to about 42 of the 50 states, i've taken greyhound, amtrak and numerous flights, i've flown in a small private plane, rode on the maid of the mist in niagra falls, been to canada and mexico....i've done a TON..thats not even the half of it! I am SO blessed!!

Friends

Good friends are seriously hard to find. I remember in high school when everyone was like, "Oh we will be friends forever, we will always be in touch". Ok yea right..lol. Wishful thinking. I have one friend from high school that is still one of my best friends. She just came up to visit me these past few days on her way back to DC where she lives now and it was so much fun having her here. It just makes me realize how much I am missing out by not have girlfriends here. She has stuck by me from high school on when even my very best friends dropped off the face of the earth.

We talked a lot about getting older too. We are both married, we will both be 25 in the coming months and time seems to be going fast. As we were sitting around talking about everyone from high school we really didn't feel that much older than 18..well that is until my 3 year old started demanding apple juice and my 1 year old came up and pinched me..lol. Time does go really fast and there is so much I want to accomplish in my lifetime. I hope I get to do it all and I hope I get to see my kids grow up happy and healthy.

I guess the point is the older I get the more I miss just having fun. My goal for the next year is to learn how to have fun again. We've already started doing that a little with our weekend trips here and there, but there is so much I want to see and do. Luckily I have seen and done a lot in my life...I probably have at least half of my 'bucket list' checked off, but I still have some things left!

What I have left that I want to do:
1. Get a doctorate
2. Spend a Christmas somewhere where I can have a real white christmas
3. Take a tour of the White House
4. Ski
5. Go on a cruise in the Caribbean
6. Go to Alaska
7. Go up in the Space Needle
8. See the Eiffel Tower
9. Go to Greece
10. Camp in the Grand Canyon

Being a Mom

Why do people never tell you that being a mom is tough? Don't get me wrong, it is wonderful and I love my boys more than life itself. But some days I go to bed exhausted and down. I used to think that I was a bad mom if I admitted that I am tired, but here I am admitting it. I am tired. I have to figure out that balance between my boys and myself. I have to start taking care of myself. This past year has been really really tough on me.

This heart thing that I have its driving me nuts. I have been trying everything to de-stress and calm down so my heart doesn't skip beats and all that. Luckily my panic attacks have somewhat subsided and I am feeling a little better in that regards, but I have got to get myself physically and emotionally back to where I was a year and a half ago. Its just been a hard time. I can't wait to get back to the fleet and get some good girlfriends to go out with. Everyone around us here are in their late 40's, not that there is anything wrong with that but I'm about to be 25 and I don't really want to hang out with someone my mom's age.

I'm ready to close this chapter in my life (recruiting duty and away from the fleet) and move on and be able to enjoy life and my kids again. But I am so worn out, burnt out, and all that...I just need to learn how to pull myself together and keep on trucking.

All About Us

So I ordered this book from Books A Million in the bargain section a few months ago called "All About Us'. Well I thought it was going to be like this happy how we met, our first date type of book. Instead its like an 150 page book getting down to the nitty gritty of your marriage and your life as individuals. I filled out my part about a week ago and this morning my husband filled out his part. He had to go to work (on Sunday...of course) but I've been reading over it and some of it has been so surprising to me. Some things I definitely knew that I would know his answers but some of them were like way out of left field. Even after 6 years of marriage though it was nice to read things that I liked and even some that I didn't like. I didn't realize that it would bother him if I got remarried if anything were to happen to him and that he probably wouldn't get remarried. It just opened my eyes up to a lot and was well worth the time it took to fill out.

We are at a place in our marriage where we really depend on eacn other for a lot and we have become 'used to' each other. I'm still very much in love with him and he is in love with me but I think that we need to start being more spontaneous again and outgoing like we used to. I think we will be that way again once we get to the fleet and he gets some normal hours and all that. I am really looking forward to that time in our lives. Yes deployments will loom overhead again and I already got that lecture once this weekend, but deploying would make my husband happy...not so much for him being in 'the action' again but because he wants to take someone elses spot that has been filling his spot since he was there last, I think that is admirable. Mike loves being a Marine and everything about it and I am so proud of him.

In other news, I have 2 final exams this week which I only need a 40 on either one to pass the class with a C or above and I'll have my ASSOCIATES DEGREE!! I am SOOO proud of myself! NO ONE thought I could do it!

Life on Recruiting Duty

Well the past 2 1/2 years have been really hard. Its slowly culminated into this pile of crap. My marriage has grown stronger but our family life has grown weaker. All Mike hears now is what a piece of crap he is, how he is going to get an adverse fit-rep and how his career will be over. You know what really sucks about that? He is the only guy in the RSS in the past 2 1/2 years besides 1 other that hasn't screwed high school girls. He is the only one that has kept his morals and ethics in check, but yet he is the shit head. I am so tired of seeing him worn out and beat down. I am tired of having to see him angry, depressed and upset because he is starting to believe what they are telling him. There is no Marine Corps on recruiting duty and honestly after this duty, I do not know if Mike will reenlist after this and he is the most gung ho Marine I have ever met. Yesterday his boss told him that he doesn't know how lucky our family has it and that I am not a real Marine wife because he hasn't been deployed since we have had kids. You know I thought really hard about that and I would rather have my husband happy and deployed than coming home every night depressed and beaten down. And that is the honest to God truth. How much more are we supposed to take?!? There is a future Marine function today with a cookout that we were invited to but I really do not want to go, if I do, the only reason will be for Mike but I will have to bite my tongue so hard it may bleed.

I feel like they are holding our orders hostage because they do not want Mike to throw in the towel once he gets them, but I am more afraid of what will happen if they don't get us his orders soon. He recently asked the CO where he was supposed to go for his family because he called the chaplain for help and she blew him off, no one knows who the family readiness officer is and the command is a joke. I lost all respect for this command after the incidents that happened at the ball last year and I know I will not get that back. I've decided that they all do not give a rats behind about us, I certainly do not give a damn about them. After going home a few weeks ago when my grandmother got very hurt and needed surgery and my poor mom needed a little break they are now giving him so much shit about it, its not even funny and he took off 3 freaking days, are you kidding me?!?!

I'm over it, I've checked out and I'm done.