Its been a while...

Its been almost a year since I updated this. In that time our lives have changed a lot. November 21st 2010 was the beginning of big changes in our house. For a few days I hadn't been feeling well and coughed it up to pregnancy, stress, and exhaustion, as Mike was away in Virginia at school and taking care of two small children while being pregnant wasn't easy. But after a few days I was beginning to think, it was possibly more. Being that I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and OCD, I was hesistant to make my way to the emergency room. However, it got to a point where I couldnt take the heart palipations, the racing heart or the shortness of breath anymore so I went to the ER where after a d-dimer test and a positive CT scan I was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism. Those two words were the scariest of my life. All I knew about pulmonary embolisms were that people died from them. Sitting alone in the ER, thoughts rushed by quickly of my husband, my kids, my unborn child and my life. I was terrified. I remember asking the doctor, am I going to die, and he said, we will do everything we can for you and you are in the best place you can possibly be. The next couple days were a blur. Mike rushed home from Virginia to be by my side and take care of the kids.

While I have many tattoos, I am a large needle phobe, so when the word came down I was going to be just fine but I was going to have to inject myself with medicine once or twice a day for the rest of my pregnancy I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. They wanted me to take a needle and inject it in my stomach twice a day...wow. I didn't know if I had the strength to do it but they wouldn't let me leave the hospital until the witnessed me doing an injection myself. I sucked it up and did it. I remember my first night home, being so out of breath I couldn't even do laundry and then my alarm went off for my first at home injection and I remember just sitting in the bathroom crying, holding the needle, trying to get the courage to stick myself. I did it for my three children and continued to do it for 6 long months every day and then twice a day at the end of my pregnancy.

The rest of my pregnancy was uneventful except the many doctors appointments and the fact that I needed to have the baby two hours away in Greenville, NC due to they are best accustomed to trauma. The Naval hospital doc said they would life flight me if need be so I could have the baby there and he even wrote Mikes command about needing to be here for the birth so he was here rather than at Mojave Viper in California.

Valentines Day had been uneventful and was exactly 38 weeks in my pregnancy. I had never gone beyond 38 weeks so I was starting to get anxious. There were plans to induce at 39 weeks and that couldn't come fast enough. We were all nervous about labor and delivery and all the risks involved. About 3:00am on the 15th of February I woke up to use the bathroom. I realized that I was in a little bit of pain but shrugged it off. I climbed back in bed. I started getting a little nervous when the pain started coming every few minutes but it was nothing intense whatsoever so I thought braxton hicks. I just couldnt get comfortable and ended up waking Mike up and telling him I was having some pain. He asked me if I was in labor and I said I didn't think so but I didnt know. We decided to wait a little while and see what happened. After about 15 minutes passed I decided I needed to go to the hospital, but was going to drive myself so we didnt need to wake up the kids for a false alarm. But a couple minutes after deciding that I decided that I couldn't drive myself. Thank God for wonderful friends and neighbors and a friend came down as soon as we called her to stay with the kids and Mike drove me the two minutes down the street to the Naval Hospital around 330am.

We walked in to the hospital and I told them I thought I might be in labor but I wasn't sure. They asked me if I was having contractions and I said I wasn't sure, but I explained to them about getting to Greenville and they said if I was indeed in labor they were going to keep me. About 4am, I am hooked up to all the monitors and they check me. I was definitely contracting ever two minutes and was 2 cm and 80% but they predicted I would have the baby that day and would keep me in triage and monitor me for a bit to make sure. At about 4:30am, the nurse came back and checked me again and I was about 2.5cm and 100% and she said she would be back in an hour. About 5 minutes later I had to use the bathroom, so Mike helped me to the bathroom, and then I got back in the triage room and asked Mike to find me some pain medicine because I was starting to hurt. The nurse came back and said that they were moving me to a delivery room where theyd take my blood and test it to make sure my blood was okay for an epidural. About 4:45am I was in bad pain as the nurse came to walk me to the delivery room, and I started getting sick. Having two previous babies, I knew when I started to get sick, the baby was coming very very soon...the nurse realized this as well. We got to the delivery room, I was screaming for pain meds by that time, and they were trying to take my blood and get an iv started. The nurse checked me around 5am and declared I was 8cm and moving fast and about to have this baby. About 10 minutes later, I am screaming bloody murder and they said they cant give me anything I was going to have to do this naturally. About that time I felt the need to push, and the nurse told me to go ahead. Pushing felt good and I wanted that baby out of there. At 534 am, we welcomed 7lb 1oz, Jason Sean Christiansen into the world. And he was perfect! I was so relieved that he was out and thankfully there were no blood loss issues! Mommy and baby were happy and healthy!

After delivery, I was put back on the shots until seeing a hematologist to see what the long term of action would be regarding blood thinners. everyone had a difference of opinion. One doctor said to continue them for six months after delivery, one said on them for life, one said off of them six months from the PE. Finally I went and saw a coagulation specialist at UNC who told me I was at low risk for ever having that happen again and no more blood thinners!!

Mike left for Afghanistan when the baby was 3 weeks old and we have been anxiously awaiting his return which will be soon. We have missed him terribly. The experience changed us completely and our marriage is better than ever. There is a much greater intimacy in our relationship, we have more appreciativeness, respect and understanding. I miss him like crazy and the kids miss him every minute of every day. We are just trying to keep it together for not too much longer until he is back where he belongs, right here with us.

But I can proudly say I am a survivor. And since then I have read many stories of PE survival and have tried to create some awareness within my own circles. THe cause for my PE was ultimately pregnancy and a car trip. I had no genetic predispositions to clotting. I can have more kids, but I will have to do the injections from day one. But for right now, one day at a time!

Anticipation!

So the anticipation of whether we are having a boy or girl is just killing us! Especially now that we are at a point where we could tell by an ultrasound! I have my 17 week appointment next week and they are going to give me the okay to schedule my ultrasound. I know I really need to wait until then because we really can't afford it with Nick's birthday coming up and the ball and everything.

I know a girl would be awesome but I am preparing myself that there is a very real possibility that this baby is a boy. But we went to the park the other day with our two boys and our neighbors son who is a little older than Nick and it was really cute to watch the three boys so I know our world will be perfect with another boy too!

But still...either way...the anxiety is killing us!!!

Reality Setting In

I haven't posted in a while because things have been going relatively well! Leaving recruiting duty was the best day of our lives and we could finally return to a normal much less stressful life. We are now expecting our third baby and we are working through issues that we struggled with on recruiting but have faith we will get through them.

THe reality is starting in that Mike's Afghanistan deployment is looming in the spring. I have a horrible feeling about it. I dont know if its hormones or just normal pre-deployment fears but I am scared for him, I am scared for our family. I am at peace with being here with our three kids and going through the motions of every day life but what if he doesn't come home? How am I supposed to live without him? I can't talk to anyone about this because either no one wants to talk about his upcoming deployment at all or no one wants to believe that not coming back is a possibility. I think my husband jokingly telling our families before we left home from leave that this may be the last time they ever see him, hit me really hard. He thinks its funny...its not.

I am trying to hold it all together and I know in the end I will but its hard putting everything in Gods hands and praying that he will make it back alive and in one piece. I know it will all work out, it has to.

Ready to go

Today is just a sad and lonely day. I just want to get away from here...this place has been nothing but hell on myself, my kids, my friendships, my marriage, and my family...I just want our time here to end and to go home for a nice long time and then head to a NEW place where we can start fresh.

Things accomplished

I am so glad that I went back to school and got my AA and now doing my BS. I am confident that I am going to get where I want to be. I am ready to start getting a paycheck again and be more independent again like I used to be. I am proud of myself, even if no one else is...I have done damn good. I am excited for this new chapter in our lives to begin because I know it holds great things and I am excited to see what that is. I pray that things go back to normal once we leave here and I think they will, but its just going to take time. I just want to have time to stop and smell the roses again and take five minutes for myself every day. I just have to keep reminding myself that we will get there. And that I CAN do this...

Where is my life headed?

What do I need to do? Read my horoscope? Go to a fortune teller? I just want to know where I am headed and if something better is waiting for me when I get there. I am burnt out with everything going on now and I am mentally exhausted. Whats it like to have emotional support? Someone that cares enough to still sweep you off your feet? I wouldn't know any more. I hope this all goes back to normal when we get out of here.

Tired

I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. Thank god my mom is coming next weekend even if only for a couple days because I need my mom. Its been a LONG time since I have said that but at this point, I'm not even embarrassed to say it. This duty has put my body, mind, marriage and parenting skills to the test. I think I have lost just about every ounce of respect I had for any Marine serving out here. Screw this duty, screw this command. I just want one day off...one day thats it...I just want to go home on a nice long leave instead of not being able to leave the 150 mile radius...and god forbid someone falls deathly ill at home because they'll give you as few days off as they can and then tell you you are a piece of shit for taking that time to tend to a very ill immediate family member. I'm fed up. Doesn't exactly make it easier when your husband insists on deploying the second we leave here, so now we get 6-12 months MORE of not seeing him. I just want to scream and there is no where to do that.